the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
