I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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