I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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