Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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