I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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