I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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