Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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