On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize