I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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