so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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