in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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