apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I love having hate sex.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
