dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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