I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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