But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
