I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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