STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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