We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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