my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
