I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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