I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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