She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
