My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
