You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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