"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
