thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
