Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
