I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
