i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
