i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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