i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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