If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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