God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
