Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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