I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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