I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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