At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
