My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
