Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize