captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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