im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
