Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
