I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
