I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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