woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
