and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
