whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
