I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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