Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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