The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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