Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
