I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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