There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
