Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
